Joshua: Wow, this is just great. I can't wai--wait! Is that him?

Cecil: Hello Joshua.

Joshua: Take a seat, take a seat.

Cecil: Thank you very much.

Joshua: How have you been? It's been a long time since we last talked.

Cecil: Actually, Joshua, I don't believe we ever have talked.

Joshua: Semantics. So how are you?

Cecil: Very well, thank you. Rosa and I have just celebrated our seven year anniversary, the kids are growing like weeds, and the kingdom is--

Joshua: Mmmmhhh, that's great, so let's get to the important stuff. Why the long absence? Are we going to see you in another video game?

Cecil: I sincerely doubt it. Actually, I'm grateful that--

Joshua: What about Secret of Evermore? You appeared in that, didn't you?

Cecil: No. That wasn't me.

Joshua: Whoever it was, they had your name, and mentioned Rosa--

Cecil: It wasn't me.

Joshua: Jeez, don't be so defensive. We have to goto a letter. We'll be right back with Cecil!

***************

AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL- PART2

Joshua: So, Cecil, the next slew of questions are about your quest for the Crystals. What was your toughest challenge?

Cecil: There were many challenges I had to surmount, Joshua, but I would have to say that the most arduous one was when I had to face myself on Mount Ordeals.

Joshua: Uh-huh.

Cecil: I had to come to grips with the evil within myself--accept its existence and move on. I wanted to lash out at it, strike it, but my father--

Joshua: Yeah, okay, that's great Cecil. How did you know to use the Crystal on Zeromus?

Cecil: Funny you asked that Joshua, because my discovery of its powers was quite by accident. Edge was tossing everything in our inventory at it, and we were running out of Excaliburs to throw, so I pulled out the Crystal to hand to him, and well, you know what happened next.

Joshua: Was he tough?

Cecil: Zeromus?

Joshua: No Quicksilver I was talking about FuSoya. Of course Zeromus! Duh.

Cecil: Well, yeah, he was quite a formidable opponent. If it wasn't for Rydia summoning Bahamut and Leviathan, Edge's swift swords and my darling wife's healing magic, I don't--

Joshua: You're whipped aren't you?

Cecil: Eh, excuse me?

Joshua: Rosa has you whipped, doesn't she?

Cecil: I can't follow your logic here.

Joshua: How's about a test: Who is cuter in a bathing suit--Lara Croft , Aya Brea, or Tifa Lockheart?

Cecil: Er--I don't have an opinion on that subject.

Joshua: Ha! Do you love Rosa?

Cecil: Of course I do, she's the most important--

Joshua: Ha! Whipped cream, pal, you are one whipped king.

Cecil: Please don't call me that.

Joshua: We'll be right back with Cecil in a moment, readers.

**************

AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL- PART3

Joshua: Weee're back ladies and gents, with Mr. Whipped.

Cecil: Please don't call me that.

Joshua: Well okay . . . let's see what you've "whipped" out of your wallet just now, why it's a young "whipper snapper" of a lad!

Cecil: That's my son, five years, Kain, and there's his little sister, just turned two, Rydia.

Joshua: Hey, they don't look anything like you at all. You don't suppose Rosa--

Cecil: She would never do anything like that!

Joshua: Heh, heh. Just kidding.

Cecil: This is an outrage! What kind of an interview is this?

Joshua: What's that? A postcard from Golbez?

Cecil: Yeah, I got it about two years ago. Mail takes awhile to get here.

Joshua: Are they sunbathing? Is that a Speedo FuSoya's wearing? Yech.

Cecil: [reading] "Salutations brother! We were just passing a star, so we thought we'd get some sun. Fussie--

Joshua: Fussie?

Cecil: That's my brother's nickname for FuSoya. "Fussie burned a little, but we had a great time nonetheless. Give our love to Rosa and the children. Chow. -Golbez and Fussie."

Joshua: Why doesn't Golbez ever remove that mask of his?

Cecil: Maybe I received all the looks in the family.

Joshua: I doubt it. Hey, don't you think it's kind of weird, your brother and some old man drifting around in a planet together, all alone with a bunch of sleeping Lunarians? I mean, what do they do on that desolate moon? They can't play cards all the time.

Cecil: I never really thought about it.

Joshua: Ha! I have my suspicions, as do my astute readers, no doubt! Let's take a break!

***********

AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL- PART4

Joshua: So Cecil, how are the rest of the gang doing?

Cecil: Very well. Rydia has just started Baron's first desegregated school, where monsters and children can learn together, and prejudice and fear will dissipate.

Joshua: Ho-hum. How is it faring?

Cecil: Well, there was an incident in the park where the a silly child called Bahamut's son "Toad face," and that almost created a scene, but Rydia straightened it out, of course. She always does.

Joshua: What about Edge? Did he ever hook up with Rydia?

Cecil: Not yet, I'm afraid. He's still trying to this day, though.

Joshua: Ha! How about that spoony bard?

Cecil: Edward's well. His subject's adore him. Infact, thanks to Edge, Yu Yang, Edward, and Giott's respective rules, it's been very peaceful everywhere, especially here in Baron. To pass the time, I've been experimenting with Chocobo breeding and racing. Do you knowhow to create a Gold Chocobo?

Joshua: Yawn. That's such old news. You mentioned that you wouldn't make another appearance in a videogame--what about your kids?

Cecil: Not likely. This isn't the Cid Family, you know.

Joshua: How true. Let's take a break, shall we?

********

AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-THE FINAL CHAPTER

Joshua: This is going very well, wouldn't you agree?

Cecil: I'm not so sure.

Joshua: Well, time is running out, so no more Mister Nice Journalist. What's your favorite color?

Cecil: Blue.

Joshua: What's your favorite band?

Cecil: Pink Floyd.

Joshua: Correct. What's your stance on Crabbits?

Cecil: Crabbits? What are they?

Joshua: Don't avoid the question. Are you pro-Crabbit or anti-Crabbit?

Cecil: I'm not sure I--

Joshua: Yes or no, you Goodie Two-Shoes Paladin!

Cecil: Pro?

Joshua: How dare you slander yourself in front of your fans!

Cecil: Now that you mention it, I think Rosa has apet crabbit named Fluff. The kids love him.

Joshua: Loathsome cur! Leave the premises immediately!

Cecil: Gladly. Readers, I truly feel for you.

Joshua: Get out! GET OUT! What a disappointment. I expected so much more out of him. Just goes to show you, the celebrities are never what you expect in real life.

THIS CONCLUDES "AND INTERVIEW WITH CECIL," SPONSORED BY THE CAC AND NSIPPFT. ANY REPRODUCTION OF THIS TRANSCRIPT WITHOUT WRITTEN CONSENT BY THE AUTHOR IS ENCOURAGED. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ MORE OF THE CRITICALLY-SHUNNED RPG INTERVIEW SERIES, PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR DESIRES TO THE AUTHOR.

The Original (Romanization) Cast of FFIV!

Cecil Harvey as Mr. Whipped

Kain Highwind as The Guy Who Keeps Running Off With My Equipment and Losing All Of It

Rosa Farrell as Mrs. Whipper

Gilbart Chris von Muir as The That's A Crazy Name So We'll Change It To Edward

Yang Fang Leiden as The Guy With The Pointless Kick That Does No Damage

Cid Pollendina as The Only Nearsighted Cid

Edge "Edward Geraldine" as The Romeo Who Never Was

Tellah as He's What's For Dinner [ineffable unless you've been a faithful RPGuru reader]

Rydia of Mist as The Living Proof That Girls Mature Faster Than Guys

Palom and Porom of Mysidia as The Annoying Mages You Cheered For When They Were Turned to Stone and Wept When They Returned To The World Of The Living