FFIV Adfics

By TSG

An adfic is a comedy fic which takes the form of a rather parodied real-life

advert using different characters and slightly modified situations. I'm

writing them in script format because that's what most fits the style.

I'll apologize in advance here, as I'm rather liable to mangle a large

number of characters. ;-)

(vo) means a voiceover, as in the character isn't currently on the screen.

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[Open on a full-screen roll of parchment, with archaic symbols inscribed

upon it.)

Silver (vo):- How to speak Baronian.

[Cut to a shot of Silver running along a Baron street with numerous members

of the City Guard giving chase. She runs around two corners, before hopping

up onto a bench then climbing a wall to the roof of a building. As the

guards look on and fume, Silver nips behind a wall, then turns to face the

camera, taking a pouch of stolen gold from her belt and showing it to the

camera with a Lina-like 'Lucky!' wink and cheer. An arrow points to the

coins.]

Silver (vo):- Gold.

[Cut to a shot of Edge, slumped at a dining table in the castle, most

definitely smashed out of his mind and clutching a half-full tankard with

'Paladins' written on it. Silver walks into shot, shakes her head at the

sight of Edge, then takes the tankard, and shows it to the camera with the

'Paladins' clearly visible.]

Sliver (vo):- Ale.

[Cut to a white screen with another tankard with 'Paladins' written on.]

Silver (vo):- Paladins. Baronian for ale.

[Fade to black.]

*****************************

[Golbez creeping along a passageway in the Baronian castle. He's looking

around fearfully, occasionally stiffening and flattening against the wall.

He slowly walks to and rounds a corner in the distance, and we see Nodd is

following him closely, claws out. Golbez pauses almost round the corner,

then looks back, eyes widening at the sight of Nodd barreling full speed

towards him, before knocking him over and pinning him. Golbez sighs, and

hands something to Nodd, who them leaves quickly.]

Announcer (vo):- Got milk?

******************************

[Open on a shot of a red-brown placard.]

Caption, Placard, Announcer (vo):- How ninja king Edge eats a Reese's Peanut

Butter Cup.

[Cut to a shot of Edge in a darkened room, spotlight trained on him. He is

looking lustfully at the aforementioned tooth-destroyer in his hand.]

Edge:- Ah, thy beauty is so great, I could devour thee, but thy purity is

such that I should savour thee, and thy innocence so sweet, that I should

preserve and cherish thee... but I cannot wait any longer!

[Edge messily and quickly crams the cake into his mouth. As he does, lights

up and spotlight fade to reveal the dining hall at Baron. Most are staring

at him perplexed, Rydia is fuming slightly. As we fade to black, she is

storming over drawing her hand back.]

[Cut to the red-brown background with two packages of Reese's Cups.]

Announcer (vo):- There's no wrong way...

Edge (vo):- Kyaaa! Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka!

[In a flurry of sword-strokes, the packages are cut away, leaving scraps and

the cups themselves still intact.]

Announcer (vo):- ...to eat a Reese's.

*******************************

(I really apologise for the next one. ;-))

*******************************

[Open to Dr. Lugae fiddling with scientific apparatus. He turns to the

camera, which pans slightly to the right to reveal a regal couple trapped in

glass tubes.]

Lugae:- These are Edge's parents.

[He points to the apparatus above the tubes.]

Lugae:- This is mutative surgery.

[He presses a button on the console, and the tubes glow with light, which

when it fades reveals the mutated forms of the pair.]

Lugae:- These are Edge's parents on mutative surgery.

[Fade to white.]

Lugae (vo):- Any questions?

CAPTION:- Brought to you by the Dictatorship for a Light-free Planet.

*******************************

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