My Lamia


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[ ::The scene starts out in the northern deserts of Damcyan, the golden sand glinting, like so many miskempt jewels scattered throughout an endless playground. A chime sounds off, hinting a drawling wind, fluttered with whisps of sand, just to signal a guitar starting to strum up a melody, as the camera shifts upward to have Castle Damcyan in a silhouetted view.:: ]

- Once upon a time.. Not *too* long ago -

[ ::The words flash off the screen, as the scene changes to two young women -- no other than Rosa Farrel-Ya and Anna von Muir -- riding off into the desert sunset on seperate Chocobos, their elegant hair flying like streamers in the quick, waddling windspeed of the mystical birds; camera angles shift to capture the hems of their indentical-set soft-yellow dresses flapping like crazy, as the sand kicks up to splatter against the fabric. A cloudlike disortion instantly takes in the lenses, and, upon clearing, a pair of dark brown boots can be seen, soon to travel up past tight-fitting blue pants, a striped, powder-blue and white shirt, with a brown vest, up to a frowning, sweatfilled face, a brown-felt cowboy hat adorning platinum hair - Apparently, this is Cecil Harvey-Ya glaring after them.
The scene changes again to two men, standing in the Kaipouan Bar, which is cleared, both dressed in similar cowboy attire, except their colors are both black. The shorter one - apparently King Edward von Muir - continues to strum on his "guitar-lute" as the other - Kain Highwind - steps up to sing.:: ]

My Lamia.. Don'tcha know I've jumped a long.. long way..
I've been longing to get the [beep] away from you;
you smell like a dead waterhag I say!

[ ::Kain and Edward seem to nod at each other, Edward "jamming" on the 'guitar-lute,' before the scene shifts back to Cecil, who throws down his cowboy hat, and proceeds to stomp on it like crazy.:: ]

Big ol' lamia..
With your eyes scary as chocobo thighs..
Magma burns brighter than you
And I'm scared to recogni-ize

[ Chorus: ]
Lami~i~!! Oh my Lami~-iaaaa!
Lami~i~!! [ Lamia, I want you to run-a-waaay! ] ~~ ia, I *SO* wanna murder you~u!

[ ::Again, Edward goes into another 'solo' as Kain seems to 'collect' his memory, smiling like a chocobo on crack. The scene seems to "shift" in order to focus again on Rosa and Anna, who've met up with a green-haired woman tending to her flowerbed in what appears to be Mist - Rydia Drake. As Rydia stands to take in Anna and Rosa, she nods - apparently to herself, understanding their ascent -, and quickly runs into her house.:: ]

My Lamia.. There are some blue, sorrowfilled times.. Just like the time when I struck you down, you just wanted to.. come back to life..

[ ::Here the scene changes back to Edward and Kain, the cowboy-dressed Dragoon idly sitting at the bar, chugging on some "Pickled Arachne Liquor - Prostitute milled," while the Bard continues to strum.:: ]

Troian Lady.. You're just the cure I need..

[ ::The scene again quickly changes to Anna, Rosa, and Rydia, the Summoner who's giggling as she opens up a box set up on her bed to show the two Queens, who instantly bring their hands up to their mouths, and laugh in glee.
This seems to agree with the shot back to Edward and Kain, who are grinning to the next lyric.:: ]

'Cause your services are only charged at a gil ninety-three!

[ ::At this point, the camera shifts to a "dreamesque" scene in Troia, where Edward, Edge, Cecil and Kain start to enter the fabled "Troian Clubhouse." Quickly, Anna, Rydia, and Rosa run up to grab their respected spouses/significant others to leave Kain, who fanfaire dances upon watching the "married men" be dragged off.:: ]

But when that [beep]ing Lamia is just as horrible to me; You're! --

[ Edward 'jams' on the "Guitar-Lute," joining in to sing with Kain on this chord. ]

-- show~ing me your dagger collection!

[ ::At the end of the forementioned lyric, Kain and Edward look at each other in disbelief for a fleeting two seconds, as Edward plays out the rest of the chords -- Who in Rubicant's demise wrote *THAT*? ..
Quick, the scene changes back to show Kain entering the clubhouse, then back to Edward and Kain singing once more.:: ]

AAAH! I didn't know she smells like an Troian monkey, old lady, Oh! --

[ ::Edward chord jams again.:: ]

MOMMY! Take. Me awaaaaaay!

[ ::At this, Kain can be seen running out of the "Troian Clubhouse," the old Troian woman stopping at the doorway, however, with a spatula in her hand, angrily waving at the fleeing Dragoon. After some chord jams, the camera 'melts' back to Edward and Kain, who are seeming to have a good time dancing to the music.:: ]

Lami~i~i [ Oh, my Lami~i~a! ] ~ia! Lami~i~i -- Lamia, I hate you~u!
Lami~i~i [ Oh, my Lami~i~a! ] ~ia! Lami~i~i -- Lamia, THEN I WANT you~u!

[ ::Here, another "guitar-lute" solo is produced by Edward, as Kain is seen dancing stupidly in the background, headbanging, pretending to play a "guitar-lute" himself. The backgrounds change soon, however, to accomodate Kain, Edward, Cecil, and Edge, all, this time, dressed in the same black cowboy attire. Their walks and the area about them are seemingly imbued in slow motion, but as the scene shifts to four women, with their backs turned - Anna, Rosa, Rydia, and another figure, slender-seeming, with beautiful, lush brunette hair - the motions seem to pick up.:: ]

My Lami~i~i [ Oh, my Lami~i~a! ] ~ia! Lami~i~i -- Lamia, I hate you~u!

[ ::Back, the camera changes to the four men, this time at a 3-quarter shot involving the sides of their faces, and backs, as each reaches out a hand to their respective, quick, the camera moves to take in Kain's look of glee at the unknown woman. Suddenly then, all four of them turn around, revealing, yes, their figures, but with horrendous lamia attenae adorning their foreheads! The biggest surprise seems to be for Kain, however, scene capturing his horrified look first before shifting back to the unveiled figure, which is a big, fat lamia herself!:: ]

Lami~i~i [ Oh, my Lami~i~a! ] ~ia! Lami~i~i -- Lamia, I do NOT want you~u!

[ ::The four guys are then seen - from a far distance, their bodies silhouetted - running like hell into the sun-setting course of the Damcyan desert. The three - Rydia, Rosa and Anna - are rather quick to follow, but, of course, the Lamia comes slithering last, stopping and falling, exhausted, as the song dies off.:: ]


[ Author's Note:
Hey-hey! A parody. =D If you were wondering, the song was originally from Brooks & Dunn's CMA award-winning song, My Maria, which also happens to be a favorite of mine. ^_^; Why exactly I put Kain (Ronnie Dunn) and Edward (Kix Brooks) as the singers.. I couldn't tell you. o_o; Edward is a musician, yes.. Kain.. Well.. He was there, I guess. =) Everyone loves the Dragoon, ne? The song to parodize.. I was listening to My Maria one day after some FF4 roleplay - which included some Lamia battling - and.. That's how the cong was created. =D I hope you enjoyed this. ^_^; ]