<Fade in on the usual kitchen set. Pre-prepared foods sit
seductively on the counters surrounding the central island,
accompanied by tiny cards displaying their names and ethnic origins.
Scent after delightful scent wafts from the set to the audience,
which is filled to the brim with the regulars. In other words;
Leviathan and Ashura, Palom and Porom, and even Kain and Cid.
Rubicant's seat is left vacant. He suffered hemorrhoids at the last
minute.
<The theme music begins, and in walks Edward decked out in full
chef's attire. He flashes a jaunty grin at the audience; Ashura
promptly swoons and Leviathan blinks a few times, eyebrow twitching.
The title floats lazily across the screen>

Edward and Friends Cooking Hour! With your host, Edward Chris von
Muir! Welcome, everyone!

Edward: Hello, people! Welcome to my show, and good day! I'm your
host...Rupaul.

Producer, off-stage: That was LAST WEEK'S SHOW! Get it right or pay
the price, bardy-boy!

Edward: Oh! Ahem, sorry people. I'm such a busy person, it seems.
*Turns to the camera* Today's show is cause for great excitement,
guys! We're preparing a rare and very delicious dish, West Lunarian
Pinkpuff!

<The audience gasps, grins, and applauds in unison. Porom rifles
through something below her seat for a moment, finally returning to a
sitting position. She has nothing. Palom, who's been watching her,
asks what she was doing. Porom shrugs, then whacks Cid with a plush
moogle. The engineer falls flat on his face>

Edward: *Facefault* Who let them back in? *Shrug* Anyway, now I'd
like to bring out today's guests. You all know her as Baron's premier
healer, and the prettiest girl this side of the Underworld. Here's
miss Rosa Farrell-Ya!

<Wild applause as Rosa steps out on-stage...and promptly trips.
Silence follows, save Palom laughing loud enough to wake the dead. He
stops when Kain shoves a lance down his throat>

Rosa: *Gets up* Oh dear me. I wore heels the entire way to the Moon
and back, and what happens when I wear normal boots?! Gods. Sorry,
Edward.

Edward: It's alright, so long as you're okay. *Are* you okay?

Rosa: Hey. I lived through Desert Fever. I'm fine.

Edward: Alright then! *Turns back to the camera* Our second guest
today is a very powerful and noble man from a very "fabulous"
country. Heh, I couldn't resist. Please welcome Yang Fang Leiden!

Off-stage: ACHOO!

<Audience facefault, then applause. Yang enters; more like he jump-
kicks on-stage. He lands neatly to Edward's left, smiling and bowing
to the bard-king and flourishing for Rosa. She giggles, he blushes,
the audience cheers, and Palom is still choking on the Holy Lance>

Yang: My apologies, friend Edward. I meant to say "kiai" instead
of "achoo," but I am so used to the old ways. Forgive me.

Edward: *Blink blink* Why didn't they change my name back to Gilbert
then? They made Rosa and Cecil suck face like they were supposed to.

Rosa: *BLUSH* Edward!!!

Edward: Twice, even. I want my real name back!

Rosa: *BLUSH* EDWARD!!!

Edward: *Oblivious* Moving on...Now, what we need to prepare West
Lunarian Punkpuff...of course we need the Pinkpuffs. MOG!

<Mog hobbles onstage holding a large crate, from which it seems
chocobo-themed music is emanating. The moogle hefts it onto the
counter beside Edward, sporting an impish grin, and runs off humming
his own theme song>

Edward: We pay him too much. Well, here are three rather plump and
fluffy Pinkpuffs. Let's just open this up here and...*opens the
crate...looks back to the camera, HUGE sweatdrop falling from his
forehead*

Yang: What is it, friend Edward?

Edward: Well...*GULP*...no one listens to me, apparently. I mean I
gave explicit directions and everything...but...ergh...this sucks.

Rosa: What?

Edward: Well you know how...feisty Pinkpuffs can be, Rosa. I told
those damned Hummingways to bring me dead Pinkpuffs... and...well...

<Fat Chocobo music plays. Yang looks at the crate, eyebrow
twitching...then jumps off into the audience and backhands some
people. He seems confused, unable to decide on "kiai" or "achoo." He
sounds like Steven Segal with a head cold, actually>

Rosa: Oh dear. Edward, this is NOT good, you know that.

Edward: I KNOW! What are we supposed to do?! Gah...well at least they
haven't...<boing>...gotten out of...<boing>...their
crate...<BOING>...oh Gods.

<The Pinkpuffs disperse to far corners of the set and begin to
dance. The audience is helpless to resist, dancing along, battling
with each other, and generally becoming very goofy in a very short
amount of time. Goofier than normal, at least. Palom is chasing Kain
around with the Holy Lance, now shish-kebobbing the stuffed moogle
Porom had thrown at Cid. The engineer, subsequently, is doing the
Macarena with Leviathan. The King of Phantoms is drowning the old guy
with every flourish of the arm.
<Ashura is singing along to some song no one else can hear, jamming
on a poor Troian's spine like a keyboard. Each of her four faces is
singing a different melody or harmony, and unfortunately not a one is
on-key. Porom decided on a change of outfit. She's dressed like
Kefka. Perched on a large piece of the set, she's laughing like the
mad clown and rubbing her hands together gleefully, throwing things
at Ashura until the four-faced woman is knocked unconscious again>

Rosa: I'm...scared. Edward, hold me.

Edward: *Facefault* Naw. Where'd you leave your bow and arrows? We
have to try and get this under control!

<Kain runs by, screaming like a woman. Palom is giggling insanely>

Rosa: They're out in the airship! But...*Points to a Pinkpuff
blocking the exit*

Edward: *Puffs up his chest, frowning* Well if you won't go get them
I will. Stay sane for me, little lady.

<Edward charges off, regarding the Pinkpuff menacingly. Well, as
menacingly as a frail little bard-king can manage. The creature
grins, shaking it's fluffy tush at Eddie.
<Picture the Matrix. Edward flies at the Pinkpuff and one of those
nifty time-freeze camera shifts is happening. Then, when time
unfreezes...Edward is on his face right in front of a hysterical
Pinkpuff. The bard-king uses the opportunity to run past it, though>

<Outside, Mog's sitting under a tree snacking on pop tarts. Edward
makes for the Enterprise, eyeing the moogle suspiciously>

Edward: Did you have something to do with our shipment of LIVE
Punkpuffs, Mog?

Mog: *Blink blink* I don't work for this game, dude. Lemmelone.

Edward: *Sigh* Anyway. *Grabs Rosa's Artemis bow and arrows from the
ship and makes for the studio*

<As Edward returns, he's shocked to find more chaos than only
moments ago. Rosa and one of the Pinkpuffs are on the counter,
demonstrating a Thigh Master, of all things. Cid's pulling a Britney
Spears impersonation...quite well, minus the beard. Kain and Palom
have raided the cooking wine and are sloshed beyond recognition. And
Porom...is dressed as something that looks like a cross between a
Metroid and an alien>

Porom: I am Zeromus. Bow to me, peasant.

Edward: *grabs a spoon from the central island* Remember this?

Porom: *Wide-eyed* ANYTHING but the spoon! *Runs off giggling madly*

Edward: *Sigh* I guess I'm going to have to shoot these things down.
No one else is sane enough to do it. *Fumbles with the bow and
arrows* This is NOT my Twinharp, that's for sure...

<Edward takes clumsy aim at one of the creatures, loosing the arrow
into his own chest. He sighs heavily, watching things progress, then
shoots a look back at the studio door. Much to his surprise...>

Mog: Comin' thru! MOVE IT! Youse guys ain't got nuttin' on me.
Pathetic gooky nuts, all o' yas.

Edward: *Blink blink* Mog...?

Mog: Can it unless ya knows how ta keep up wit' me, kid.

<Mog stands perfectly still for a few moments, regarding the
anarchy that is Edward's set. The moogle cocks his head, his pompom
bouncing lazily, and then he breaks out into a wild dance>

Mog: Yeeeeaaaah! Dat's how yas dance! Lookit my Wind Song! Ain't it
bee-you-tee-ful?!

<Shards of violent air cut into the Pinkpuffs, shredding them. They
don't seem too happy about this...one of them makes a very rude
gesture toward Mog before expiring. Mog returns the gesture, taking a
puff off a cigar that appeared out of nowhere 0.o>

Mog: Eh, ain't nuttin' ol' Mogster can't handle. *Stops dancing*
Clean up yer set, Nancy boy.

<Mog walks off, leaving Edward, Rosa, Yang, the the audience
wondering after him>

Edward: *Blink blink* Well then...*Looks to the camera, shrugs*
Could've been worse, ne?

Rosa: *Weakly* How?! *Throws the Thigh Master across the set,
knocking Kain into Cid and Leviathan*

Edward: Well...well...it could've actually been Britney Spears
singing instead of Cid. Am I right?

<Audience sweatdrop, sigh, then applause. Edward grins, and Cid
runs off crying>

Edward: Well you know what? I think we're done with today's show. In
fact I think we're done for a while. I need a vacation. *Walks
offstage*

Rosa: *Blinks, blushes in the camera* Ehem...well...Uh......see you
next time, on Edward and Friends' Cooking Hour?

Yang: ACHOO!

Rosa: *Facefault* Bless you.

<Fade out on Yang pouting while Palom breaks things over the still
unconscious Ashura's head>