*The camera fixes on a large kitchen-like set, complete with
utensils and pre-cooked foods of all sorts. As the camera moves
slowly outward, it swivels and focuses on the audience; a large
number of Baronian, Eblanese, and Toroian men and women. The crown
applauds wildly, and one can see a certain pair of twins whooping and
hollering. The camera then returns to the kitchen, where Edward is
standing. A title flashes across the screen, causing more noise from
the audience.*

~Edward and Friends' Cooking Hour. With your pal Edward Chris von
Muir!~

<Edward waves at the camera and hefts a LARGE spoon in the air. The
audience hollers, and one can see a number of women yelling and
blowing kisses�as well as a certain large Ic'thian O.o>

Edward: Hello all! Welcome to my show, the Happy Kitchen Hour from
HELL! Ahaha, I mean the Edward and Friends' Cooking Hour. I am your
host�Bob Hope.

From offstage: Your name is Edward you IDIOT!

Edward: O_O So it is, ehe..he�hehe. NE-way, on with the show. Today
we'll be making a fun dish that I rather enjoy making as well as
eating. We'll be preparing roasted Eblanese duck on a stick. Doesn't
that sound yummy, folks?

< The audience claps madly. Palom and Porom are observed banging
their heads against the back of the seats in front of them>

Edward: My guests on today's show will be two very good friends of
mine. Please give a warm welcome to Edge and Rydia!

<Audience clapping again as the two of them walk onstage. Edge is
all smiles and even blows a kiss or two. Cut to the audience as a
number of Baronian guards have been dispatched to keep a horde of
hormonally-influenced girls from reaching the ninja-king. Porom seems
to be twitching a bit, and Palom is holding up a sign that says "Edge
sucks on Leviathan's Big Toe">

A note from the producers: Edge's subsequent chasing of Palom and
cursing out, followed by a spanking to rival what the ninja would
LIKE to to to Rydia, have been edited for content. This is a family
show, dammit!

<Rydia walks onstage and Edge darts behind the prop counter for
some unknown reason. The jade beauty is decked out in a green apron,
green chef's hat and her usual green go go boots. She waves to the
audience and facefaults as she sees Leviathan trying to ger out of
his seat and Ashura yelling at her husband with all four faces. Rydia
shrugs at her queen, then takes her place to Edward's left. Edge
stands to the bard-king's right, and the real show begins.>

Edward: So Edge, Rydia, how are you two? Good I hope.

Edge: Yeah, good�after I turn that little Mysidian brat back to stone!

Rydia: <Pulls out a large green spoon and whacks Edge over the head
with it> Leave Palom alone! He acts a lot like you, ya know.

Edge: He's a little sissy boy, that's for sure.

Edward: Well put, Edge <giggles> You just proved Rydia right, I think.

Edge: NANI!? Et tu, Eddie baby?

Edward: Dun call me that, it's scary. Now let's start cooking, shall
we?

<Applause; Porom is playing a Gameboy game and Palom is eyeing the
thirteen-year-old a few rows over. Without taking her eyes off the
game, Porom smacks Palom in the head. He mumbles something about her
being the cause of his nosebleeds and she exclaims "OOH! I got a wild
Vulpix!">

Edward: Now let's do this thing. Edge, you can get the sticks all
buttered and ready, Rydia, make the batter please. I'll prepare the
ducks.

Rydia: <nodnod> What do I use in the batter?

Edge: Something I'll like! I'm eating EVERY one of these things!

Edward/Rydia: <Look at each other> Strichnine.

Edge: Eh?

Edward: Nevermind, Edge. Just find the sticks. Can't miss them,
they're long and wooden and say "manufactured by Cid Pollendina"

Edge: <Rifles through a drawer> OH! I found em! <Reads one> Cid's
patented Gold Digger 3000. We'll do the picking so your fingers won't
be sticking�NANI?!

Rydia: O.o So THAT'S how Cid's nostrils got so big. Are those pre-
used, Eddie?

Edward: Of course not! At least Cid said they weren't�

Edge: Than what's this weird residue?! It's definitely green�

Edward: O_O ANYWAY, I think maybe we should make spice soup for
today's show, everyone.

<Audience facefault, then applause. Palom is dressed as Squall; he
utters "whatever." Porom is dressed as Aeris. She seems to be
inhaling helium. When the balloon is deflated Porom looks to Palom>

Porom: <HIGH pitched> My name is Aeris and I'm the bestest bimbo in
the world! Squall, forget about that yucky Rinoa and marry ME!

Palom: �Whatever.

Porom: Did you know I can walk and chew gum all at once? My mommy was
SO proud of me when she saw me do that! I'm the bestest, right Squall?

Palom:�Whatever.

<Back onstage, Edward and Rydia are pouring boiled water into a
large pot and adding as many spices as they can find. Edge is playing
drums on some pots with the Gold Digger 3000's, humming along to
something resembling the "My Omelette" song. Edward glances back and
is met with a disarming smile. Rydia mutter something to the effect
of "you eventually see how corny he is after you get used to the
bulging biceps" and with that Edge goes shirtless.>

Edge: Somebody say bulging biceps?! Wait'll they get a load o' ME!
<Swings shirt around in the air>

<Porom is whistling madly, fanning herself with Palom's cloak. The
little black mage is now dressed as Blank, and he seems not to know
where he is behind the belt over his eyes. Porom whirls around and
transforms into Ruby>

Porom: Tarnation, boy! Where'd YOU come from?! <whistles>

Palom: Whate�wait�YO!

<Edge is still playing the part of the stripper, now standing on
the counter and singing some stupid song only he'd know. Rydia sighs
and sits down in wait for the chaos to end. Edward is stirring the
soup, oblivious to what's happening>

Rydia: EDGE! Quit it this instant, no one wants to see your hard�body
glistening with�sweat and�so�*TWITCH, falls over*

Edge: What was that, Rydia? WHOO HOO! I am such a sexy boy, yes I am!

<Porom and Palom look at each other and nod. They exit the crowd;
Leviathan is observed to stare after them with a huge question mark
over his head. Edward finally looks to see Edge standing on his
counter and facefaults>

Edward: He always has to steal the show, ne? What to do�

<Just then Palom and Porom, still dressed as Blank and Ruby, run
up. Together they grab the HUGE pot from Eddie and leap on to the
counter, dumping the soup all over Edge.>

Edge: <From inside the pot> O_O AAAACK! I smell like ONIONS NOW!
KUSO!!!!

Edward: <Stifled laughter> Well one can always count on the folly of
youth, no? <Picks Rydid up and makes her dance for the camera> Well I
suppose that's our show for today folks! Join me next time when I and
my guests, FuSoYa and Nodd, will be making Caramel Hummingway mousse
with kantal filling! Until then!

<Rydia's limp wrist waves to the camera. Pan out to find Leviathan
dancing to the theme song and Ashura crimson with embarrassment. Cut
back to the stage where Palom and Porom are taking turns banging on
the pot with spoons and making Edge sicker than he already is
<Fade out>

*~*~*~*~*