17.

For now and never

They built up the tents and made a fire while Cid started to repair the Enterprise, all the while swearing under his breath that Mallack's men would pay for the horrible pain they had caused his "mechanical darling".

After a silent meal, each of the companions prepared in his own way for the next day and possible fight with Mallack. The group split up, some of the friends staying around the fire, others going for a walk in the near woods or resting. Dawn had left the group rather early, somewhat saddened. Although the others had told Cecil that the young woman had wanted to be alone, the Paladin could not help but follow her - there were too many questions he wanted to ask.

He found Dawn sitting in a little clearing not too far away from the group where she had built a fire for herself. She was staring into the flames, the red glow on her ivory face giving her an unreal touch - her beauty was even more astonishing than ever before. Still, Cecil could feel that the aura of sadness around her had grown stronger for some reason.

"So here you are…" he said quietly, not knowing how else tostart.

The female paladin was not startled by his voice, but turned to face him and nodded slightly. "I'm sorry that I left so suddenly, but I needed some time alone…"

Cecil sat down beside her. "I thought so, but sometimes it is better to talk with someone."

Dawn smiled. "Funny that you should say such things... You are normally the one who doesn't talk about his problems…"

"Yeah.... But as you see I'm learning… Anyway, I still haven't thanked you for telling us the truth back then in Tororia. It surely wasn't easy for you to do..."

"No need to thank me…" Dawn lowered her long lashes. "I should have told you all this sooner..."

"No… I really understand. It must have been hard for you to talk about it. Besides, you're not the only one who has kept information. I should have told the others about Golbez's powers sooner as well…" Cecil shook his head, angry at himself. "How could I have been so naïve? I should have known that his powers would not only affect animals and monsters, but humans as well… Why should he have lost this power Zeromus had granted him?"

"You couldn't have known…" Dawn replied. "Golbez did everything he could to hide this ability… As I've told you: not even I knew that his powers were still that strong. But even now it does not matter. I see no threat in his abilities."

Cecil reflected for a moment. "I wish… I wish I could set as much trust in Golbez as you can. But lately... No, maybe since he has arrived here, he made it so hard, especially for me, to trust him..."

"Look into your heart, Cecil... Do you really think that your brother would betray you?" Dawn asked softly.

The Paladin sighed and stared into the fire, the warmth of it on his face feeling pleasant during such a cold night. "I...want to believe that he's good. If I just could reach him..."

"Yesterday Golbez wanted to talk to me…" Dawn said, causing Cecil to look at her again.

The Paladin was happy that his friend had started the subject onher own accord, as he was very interested indeed in this discussion. Not wanting to seem too eager, he asked rather casually, "Oh...did he? Was it something...interesting?"

Dawn laughed brightly, her eyes sparkling with amusement. "Lying does not suit you well, Cecil... You can barely hide your burning interest!"

Cecil cleared his throat, embarrassed, but had to smile as well. "Alright… I'm defeated… I didn't want to press you. Lately I have the impression that Golbez tells others more about himself than he tells me…"

"That might be, because he cares for you most of all…" Dawn said, shaking her head in reflection.

"You mean that he wants to protect me from...some kind of truth?" Cecil frowned. "So what was it he wanted to talk with you about?"

"He had a question..." Dawn said, quietly. "He asked...if he was like Mallack..."

"Why...why would he be interested in that?" Cecil was puzzled but knew the answer to this question soon enough. "Mallack had told him that he's the same as them…"

As if Dawn had read his thoughts, she nodded. "Exactly... And the things Morrison had said are disturbing him as well. In fact there are many parallels between him and the men that now call themselves the Dark Paladins: the power to wield a strong manipulation magic, maybe even a hate against Lunarians, although Golbez himself is one. But there's something else in Golbez... Something Nathaniel had in his youth as well… Something I cannot pinpoint, but it's there…"

Cecil frowned - it was seldom that Dawn could not pinpoint her opinion about someone.

He shifted his sitting position a bit, so that he was facing her directly. "Dawn... Do you still love Nathaniel?" He asked calmly.

Dawn's gaze met his, surprised. Then she smiled. "If you'd asked this question just one year ago, it would have been for me like if you had asked whether the Blue Planet turns around the sun or not..."

"Oh... Sometimes I'm not sure if Edge is aware of this fact..." Cecil grinned, making Dawn laugh.

Seriousness returned to her face very quickly as she continued: "But now, as I saw what has become… It seems to me that everything I ever loved about him is dead… Or that I loved a part of him; a person named "Nathaniel" which never did exist. The person I loved might just have been just the product of my own imagination, the way I wanted him to be..."

"How I wanted him to be... It's the same with whatI maybe do with Golbez…" 

"I understand what you mean..." Cecil said gravely.

"Although I know that something made him into the person he is today, there's not enough hope left in me that he could ever change again... It's too late -- during our years together I saw how he changed... And I was unable to stop it…" Dawn averted her gaze. "Maybe I should have tried harder..."

"But you did..." Cecil was filled with awe and sympathy for the woman next to him who still, even in this moment, was putting the needs of others overher own ones.

Dawn turned to face him again, slowly... "Yes, maybe I did." She whispered. "But...why did you ask anyway about Nathaniel?"

"As a friend, I want to be honest to you, Dawn..." Cecil said. The sentence caused the young woman to watch him attentively, her big blue eyes bigger and deeper than ever before. "If we meet Mallack on the battlefield and he does not surrender, it might be necessary to--"

"Kill him..." Dawn completed the sentence "Yes, I know," she said sadly, though for a moment it seemed to Cecil that it was not sadness about Mallack, but about the way he had answered her question.

"Is it really okay?" Cecil laid his hand on her arm.

Dawn's gaze went down, watching his slender fingers around her wrist, not being possessive or urging her to something, but just a warm gesture of trust, friendship and support. Then she looked up into his face, which had a curious, but not impatient look to it, waiting for her answer. "Everything is alright... I've stopped loving Nathaniel since..." her voice trailed off and for a moment it seemed that she longed to say a thousands things, but she stayed silent, no words able to express what she was feeling in this moment. Instead she smiled, though it was a terribly sad one, and finished the sentence, quietly: "I do not love him anymore for some time now…"

"Good..." Cecil nodded reassuringly and took his hand away, as he had the feeling that it made her feel uncomfortable in some way. "I just don't want more people to be sad... It will already be hard enough to face Rosa's father..."

"Oh...yes, certainly..." Dawn answered quickly and held a cold hand near her cheek, which was slightly reddish. "How is she coping with it so far?"

Cecil looked deeply worried. "She doesn't try to show, but she's afraid and confused... Although she is sure that somehow we will be able to bring him back to his senses... And I will surely not be the one to tell her otherwise..."

"So you think that there is still hope?" Dawn's voice suddenly had a bitter touch to it.

Cecil looked at her, surprised. "Of all people you're asking me that? Although it's not too likely, there's still a slight chance to save him... Of course there's still hope - there always is... After all, it was you who taught me to trust in myself and never to give up…"

"Did I? Yes... I suppose I did... It's a pleasant thought that there always is hope..." Dawn reached out for Cecil's hand and squeezed it in her own, smiling for a moment as her skin met his.

"Cecil… May you never lose hope. I'm sure that for you, it will never be lost… And for Rosa as well..." She sounded more genuine than ever, though her smile seemed like a wall against something inside of her. Still smiling, she let go of his hand, stood up and turned to leave. "It's been a long day and I'm tired..." Suddenly, though with hesitation in her movement, she bent down and kissed him on the cheek, her lips as soft as a feather. "Thanks for the talk Cecil..." she whispered, before leaving for the tents.

"It was a pleasure...as always..." the young man replied, a slight hint of confusion in his voice due to her sudden departure. Staring into the flames, he suddenly wondered if it was only mere friendship that Dawn felt for him, and if Golbez's remarks had aimed on their relationship. The thought made his heart feel heavy. "But I can't believe this… She knows how I feel about Rosa and it's due to her that we are still together… If she seems more in me than a friend, then why didn't she behave differently on Mt. Ordeals?"

Seeing that he could not interpret his friend's behaviour, he turned his thoughts to something else, which was not more pleasant, though. "Why did Golbez ask Dawn about Mallack? Is he responding to the dark power of the stone?"

~*~

The others had seen Dawn leaving the fireplace and approaching the tents.

"I'm not really sure, but I think that Dawn likes Cecil very much… I wonder if he knows..." Rydia sighed, nodding towards the edge of the woods, where the Paladin was sitting, lost in thoughts.

"I don't think so," Kain remarked. "Cecil's not too bright in this respect…"

"Don't let him hear that!" Edge had to grin. "Speaking in such a way about your best friend..."

Kain scratched his head, slightly embarrassed. "All I mean is that in Cecil's eyes, Dawn's behaviour might just be a sign of a very good friendship… After all they built up a pretty close relationship on Mt. Ordeals, so he might not have noticed that her feelings have changed…"

"I wouldn't underestimate him..." Golbez said darkly.

Kain raised an eyebrow. "You of all people say something nice about Cecil? You're full of surprises..."

"Indeed. You should know best of all people…" Golbez grinned cruelly and fixated him with his gaze, amused.

Kain suppressed a comment, although he had well understood the remark. "Whatever, wizard… I feel sorry for Dawn -- I really wonder how she can bear to be near Cecil when…" Out of the corner of his eye he saw Dawn talking with Rosa near the tents, "when she knows that Cecil loves Rosa more than his life... How can she accept it…? I couldn't... Even when…"

"We get the point, Kain..." Edge gave him a slap on the shoulder as he saw that the expression of the Dragoon was suddenly stricken with guilt. "It's okay… What has happened has happened…"

"I can understand Dawn…" Rydia said quietly. "If I liked someone very much, I'd never want to leave the side of this person... Even if this person was unreachable…" Sadness crept over her, and the friends knew that Rydia was thinking of her dead mother again.

"Me, too..." Edge grinned to cheer her up. "What's your opinion, oh dark master Golbez?"

The dark wizard frowned and answered, dryly, "If I would like someone very much, I would try to get away from that person as fast as possible…"

"Err..." Edge murmured, "It couldn't be possible that someone is in a very bad mood here..."

"That's terrible!" Rydia was appalled. 

"It is only the truth. Besides, I'm not the only one here who seems to think this way…" Golbez smiled cruelly at Kain.

"How do you dare to compare me with yourself!" the Dragoon snapped, "So if it is true what you say, then why are you still here? Or do you want to tell me that you dislike your own brother? Because if you would like him, you would have left already!"

Golbez looked baffled at him for a moment, then his dark eyes narrowed. "When the time is right, I will indeed take certain actions, don't worry… And you should take care that people will not in fact someday compare you with me... Maybe more of my dark teachings than intended still hide in your soul…"

Kain grumbled and shot Golbez an evil look, hoping that the other only wanted to tease him. "The separation from Diane must seem like a triumph to him..." Kain thought sourly, "love is a burden too heavy to carry… Was he right after all?"

~*~

"Dawn... Are you alright? You look sad..." Rosa stopped the silver-haired woman on her way to the tents.

"I... I was talking with Cecil about the past." Dawn blushed a bit. "I maybe felt a bit...nervous as we may have to confront Mallack tomorrow..."

"Don't forget that you're not alone..." Rosa smiled at her, though her blue eyes studied her curiously. "Cecil likes you very much... As do I. You're like a sister... Not only for him but for me as well..."

The silver-haired woman dropped her gaze. "Yes... I know... I like you very much as well...both of you..." There lay a strange emphasis on "both".

"Dawn… If there's something that is worrying you, please tell me. You've become so calm lately and sometimes I fear that--" Rosa bit her lip. "Forget it. Just...just tell me if there's something on your mind: No matter what…" Her plea was quite emphatic.

Dawn tried to smile. "No… Really. There's nothing... Oh, but one thing..." She suddenly loosened her beautiful silver rapier from her belt. "Your bow got lost in the temple while we fought Morrison, right? So I'd like to give this to you... It's light and easy to use, even if you're not trained in sword fighting..."

"What? But Dawn... I cannot possibly take this. I--"

"Please. I have other weapons in my pack... Take it as a sign of friendship... It was given to me by Nath--by someone very dear. So now I'd like to give it to you…"

Rosa carefully took the weapon out of Dawn's hand and admired it. "It's beautiful!" She blushed. "I don't know how to thank you… I wish I could give you something in return…" She embraced her friend.

"But you already did…"Dawn whispered, returning the embrace. "Your trust…"

Clearing her throat she loosened herself out of Rosa's embrace. "I'd better go to sleep now…" she said and left for her tent.

Rosa looked after her, worried - although Dawn had been smiling as he had left, the Queen of Baron could have sworn that she had seen some tears in her eyes…