Chapter 6

Carmine passion

The dainty girl hung lifeless in her chains, exhausted from the struggle against her captivity, but also from the fight against her fear and despair.

"Such a waste of power..." Golbez mused. Why was it that humans always spent their energy onworrying and grieving only to end up powerless against every threat? Not that this weak girl here hadany chance of escapingher restraints, but still Golbez wondered why she hadn't saved her strength better... Maybe she knew that she was going to die anyway, no matter if this little annoying Knight of Baron brought them the Crystal or not. She was only bait and thus would be swallowed once the fish had been caught or would be thrown away if the fish got away.

A disdainful smile showed on Golbez's face behind his heavy black helmet. Of course the woman believed that she would get saved. After all, humans tended to ignore the inevitable…

Golbez's newest servant Kain was no exception tothat. Did he realize that not only the Knight from Baron but also the girl had to die? So far Kain had been loyal to him, but would he really be able to give everything up for the sake of the cause? To cast off all emotions? Even the ones he held for that woman?

Golbez took a step closer towards his captive, his heavy armoured boots echoing metallic and hollow in the cold white of the room, but even this bleak sound was not able to pull her out of her sleep.

"So weak…"

What was it that Kain saw in her? Golbez was awareof the way the Dragoon was watching the girl, how his eyes burned with a raw fire between shame, anger and--what was it called?

"Lust."

Golbez took another step closer, bending a bit forward to study the captive's face in the manner of a scientist studying an inanimate object. It was inexplicable to the Dark Wizard how someone could hunger for the body of a living being. Even more, Kain also seemed to desire her acknowledgement of him…

"Is this what people call love?"

The hunger for power, for power which made it possible to reach one's goals--yes, that was a notion Golbez understood. But what benefit could be gained from loving another person? If it was love and not just bodily desire Kain felt for her... But to Golbez love and lust seemed to be the same; it was a world he could not even begin to grasp. The girl was just a structure of flesh and blood like all living beings. What was it that made her that beautiful; tempting not only in Kain's eyes, but also in the ones of this Knight that he would risk his life for her? Was itthat she was especially well-formed for a piece of flesh? Her long blonde hair?The red of her lips? Golbez's brooding came to no real conclusion. It couldn't be the looks alone…

Feelings were the one concept the Dark Wizard's logic could not sufficiently explain. He wondered what it was that filled this particular space inside of others, whereas emptiness was reigning in his own soul. Only the use of his powers, the fighting, burning and destroying gave him the opportunity to feel alive at least for a moment, but the flickering flame of hate always went out much too soon, leaving behind in him icy darkness once more.

"Why can't I keep the fire in me burning?"

There was always this flame burning in Kain's eyes…

"Desire…"

After a moment of hesitation he stretched out his hand towards the face of the unconscious woman before him. However, shortly before his fingers had reached her alabaster coloured skin, he stopped, wishing that she was conscious, so that he could study her reactions.

What did the touch of another mean to a human being? Would she be disgusted if he touched her?

An eyebrow raised behind the dark helmet. "Of course even a mere touch of me would invoke fear in her…"

No matter how much she tried to stay strong, to shut her fearful heart to the outside world, Golbez had seen the look of hurt and humiliation on her face as Kain had chained her to the wall, had seen the terror the lecherous glances of Milon were inflicting in her. One thing the girl couldn't ignore was that she was helpless as she couldn't ignore the cold steel around her wrists, couldn't ignore the heavy locked doors of her prison.

Golbez's eyes narrowed behind the heavy helmet as he noticed that realizing what power he had over her actually made him feel something; his blood seemed to flow faster and there it was--a tiny, red flicker burning in the icy desert of his heart like it did before a battle, a great battle: The human mind was harder to conquer than an army or a castle, with its high wall built out of self-preservation and self-determination. It fascinated Golbez to see how even this wall could crumble, leaving a broken creature, devoid of free will and wishes behind in the shattered bricks… Although it was a waste of power, he was curious if he could also do so with the girl and if it would be different from all the countless slaves he had made before. Could he feel then what Kain was feeling for her?

No, the Dragoon, who still seemed to have retained a tiny part of self-consciousness, was different…Or why else would he be guarding the girl against natures like Milon or Kainazzo when she was asleep or unconscious? Why was he protecting her if he could have her by force?

"I'm not stopping if there is anything I want to take. However," Golbez let his hand drop even before he had touched her, "a piece of flesh is not what I yearn for…"

Still, his head started to hurt from trying to grasp what it was others felt and he not…

"But I do not wish to have a flame burning in me like Kain has, do I? It is a flame consuming one's strength and control. And it is power I desire."

"And what will you do if you have reached the ultimate power? There will be nothing… Do you know how non-existence feels? You soon will. It is swallowing you from inside right now," a bright, though cold voice resounded in the hollow halls around him.

Who was talking? Was it the girl who had awoken? Golbez's head hurt so much that even his vision had begun to blur.

"Non-existence?" The pain got unbearably strong as Golbez tried to grasp the meaning of these words. "No, there will always be souls to break, always new things to destroy so that I can fill the empty spaces within me!"

"No, the power you use is not your own. It is the chain that binds you to your master and when he decides to release you, you will plunge into the abyss of oblivion. There will be nothing…"

"Nothing…"

Amidst the hot waves of pain running through his mind, Golbez felt another dark force arising and an unspeakable panic gripped him as he realized that it seemed to suck away his thoughts, his strength.

How could it be? Why was the power taken from him? Was he really no better than the slaves he had made? No better than the girl who at least knew that she was held captive?

"Stop!" Golbez cried against the now settling blackness around him, but the painful vortex inside his head would not stop, but seemed to spread all over his body, sucking away even his blood. "No! The power cannot leave me! It is not possible!"

"This is what you want to believe, like all the people you killed believed that you would spare them, even in there last moment… And now, you will cease to exist..." The voice was soft now, nearly lulling.

"No, don't take my power from me!" But it was too late and Golbez's scream died away with his consciousness as a black maelstrom engulfed him from inside… Then there was nothing.

xOx

Golbez awoke with a heavy throb within his head.

"Did I get hit again?" he murmured as he slowly sat up on the bed he had been lying on fully clothed.

"No. You drank a lot yesterday and the sight of our pretty guide was too much for you…" Tristan's voice sounded next to him with ear deafening cheerfulness. "It was scary, man. You babbled some pretty incoherent things!"

Golbez shook his head, trying to recall the happenings of last night. "I lost control again... This cannot go on any longer… I need to--"

There was a knock atthe door. "Hello? Are you awake yet?"

"White hair, blue eyes, calming voice…"

Upon hearing the voice, Golbez jumped up and raced towards the door, opening it with a nearly brutal motion, all the while trying to push the hammering in his head aside.

"Daw--"

He stopped as he beheld the woman for he first time more clearly, his powers of observation drinking in every detail of her to prove his suspect--no, to prove his wish.

Blue eyes; but no sadness in them, only confusion in this moment… "Does she not recognize me?"

Her hair; silvery blond, nearly white, but only chin length… "She could have cut it…"

Her stature; though she was slim, she seemed to be built less ethereal than Dawn… "But what is weight?"

Her clothes; brown trousers, riding boots and a green vest over a white shirt… "What are clothes? It is her."

And her face… how had her face looked? The woman looked like what he had as a memory of her, but... "Damn, why can't I remember? It's only been some months…" It couldn't be so difficult to recognize someone you had traveled with, was it? If just his head wouldn't hurt…

"Is everything all right?" She now spoke. "You look like you have seen a ghost!" A quiet laugh, calm, but not as bright as her laugh had been. No, it definitely sounded differently… Then again--

"Are you manipulating me, Dawn?" the words shot out of his mouth, sounding angry, though he didn't know why.

"Excuse me?" The woman took a step back, bewilderment and surprise on her face.

"Now that's enough--he has had a bit too much wine yesterday!" Tristan rushed to the door and added, smiling, "Besides… Remember what I told you? You can be assured that he's not always that way, Leah."

Golbez raised an eyebrow. "Leah?"

The girl hesitated a moment before she spoke. "Yes, that's my name: Leah Coven. You seem to mistake me for someone else…"

Then she smiled. Her smile... Or wasn't it? Something was different… He wished that he hadn't drunk so much last night, so that his perception might be clearer…

"I have to excuse my former words. I have indeed mistaken you for someone else," Golbez murmured, suddenly nearly afraid that she might leave in view of his strange behaviour…

He made way so that the young woman could enter the room. While she patiently began to explain the route they were taking, he didn't listen, but studied her, trying to prevent his stares frombeing too obvious. Leah's resemblance to Dawn was astonishing, but many facets of her weren't like the ones of the woman he had once known: Leah's laugh was more tomboyish and wild, her movement fluid, but not as graceful as Dawn's had been… Still, her eyes were of the same sea blue…

"And how could I ever forget her eyes?" Eyes which so often had penetrated him with their stare; eyes with an endless blue one could easily get lost in… However, every time Golbez caught Leah's gaze, she was looking at him calmly and friendly, but also uninterested, shifting her attention to Tristan again after a while.

Golbez felt exhaustion coming up in him; were it the after effects of the wine? No… it was the drowning feel of disappointment. The disappointment that of course she couldn't be Dawn… It seemed that not only his dignity but also his logic were leaving him lately. "No one could survive a fall like the one back then and even more unlikely in the hurt stage Dawn had been in…"

Leah had ended her explanations by now.

"Okay, so we need to go through the Water-Way to reach Damcyan, right?" Tristan, cheerful as usual, took his cloak. "Lets not waste any time--I still have some preparations to take care of, but when you two are ready, too, you can meet me downstairs!" He exited the room, leaving Leah with the still musing wizard alone.

"Sir?" The young woman addressed him. "You are Master Golbez, right? Tristan told me a bit about you, also that it is unwise to address you by your name in public, although many people will identify you no matter what." It was a statement, neither hostile, nor friendly.

Just then, Golbez left his brooding world and returned to the world of sounds and words, "welcoming" it with a chuckle.

"Ah… It is new to me that my travel companion has ever paid attention to such things. The only thing I would prefer is if you would just call me Golbez. I'm no more Master of anyone… But surely you do know this and even a lot more about my person than what Tristan has told you. I presume someone working as a guide gets around much and hears a lot…" he said mockingly. The girl didn't seem to be frightened of him, which was a strange sign indeed…

"I hope she is not like Tristan, ignorant to everything…" Golbez wasn't sure if he could endure two of the swindler's sort…

Leah hesitated for a moment before answering, looking at the floor a bit sheepishly.

"Well… I...haven't heard that many stories… I don't leave Kaipo very often nor does much news reach the town, so I'm a bit… naïve when it comes to things concerning," She cleared her throat, "…the outside world."

"Well, what an interesting guide who doesn't get out of town often…"

"Was it naivety, too, which brought you to the decision of traveling with a man who has not the best--how shall I say it?--reputation?And I'm not talking about Tristan, although he isn't the most trustful of fellows, either…" Golbez provoked her, cursing himself for his maliciousness; what if it really was Dawn and she wasjust playing with him? To his disdain he noticed that his mind was still desperately searching for any proof that Leah was the woman everyone presumed dead… 

"There's no need to mock me," Leah retorted with a surprising self-confidence. "I know that people say that you are evil and dangerous. But your brother is the King of Baron and a Holy Paladin and I believe he wouldn't let you "out" if you'd still be evil. Most people will acknowledge what he has done for the whole of the Blue Planet, but don't even trust his judgment of his brother. I'm not one of these people…" she explained. Golbez didn't pay much attention to her words; the only thing he had been interested in was to watch her while she had been talking about him and Cecil, trying to spot an unusual change of expression, a smile, a flashing of the eyes, but there had been nothing…

"Could she have forgotten even Cecil?" Or was she only testing him. It was something Dawn would have done... There--why had she smiled at him just now?

"Has she read my thoughts?"

"Well, Leah, I'm sure that the voyage will be an interesting one…" he murmured, still watching her.

Leah laughed. "Oh, I do not hope so… I'm not much for fighting. But we should get going before the sun stands too high. I'll be waiting for you downstairs." She turned around to get her own bearings for her room, leaving behind a bewildered Golbez.

"I'm not much for fighting…" Could Dawn really be playing her role that well? The pain in Golbez's head was slowly lessening and thus enabled him to think more clearly, again.

"Get a grip on yourself… Don't start to ignore reality like weak humans do… You just want for Leah to be Dawn and your mind's playing tricks on you…"  

Still, he wondered if Cecil would know better, if just he could see Leah, but that would mean going back and---

He shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be a good idea if Cecil saw her…"

As he realized what he had just thought, it hit him like a shock and his expression darkened with self-disgust. "I cannot let such things rule me… Not against my brother…"

"Golbez, are you coming or not?" Tristan called from the door. "We are waiting."

Wordlessly,Golbez left the room, nearly welcoming that Tristan started as usual to ramble on. It seemed to be the punishment he deserved for the feeling that had reigned in his soul whenthinking about Cecil and Dawn, a feeling forwhich he knew that he deserved to rot for, for all eternity:

Jealousy.

xOx

As Tristan and Golbez came down the stairs, they spotted Leah talking with a tall, haggard man--the mayor of Kaipo, as Tristan knew. "Leah is living in his house, though she doesn’t seem to be his daughter." He whispered in Golbez's direction. "Maybe she is his lover," he uttered a little laugh.

"Keep your fantasies to yourself. I want to hear what they are talking about…"Golbez hissed. In fact, the mayor and Leah hadn't noticed them, yet.

"So he called you Dawn?" the mayor said frowning. "But why should someone like him know you?"

"I don't know. He isn't familiar to me. Still--" Leah trailed off, worry on her face.

"Leah, we've talked about it often enough. You know also what Sir Tristan told us about the wizard… Please do me the favour and trust your own judgment. And you know that, as nice as it was having you with us, you cannot stay forever here in the village." The mayor tried to act as friendly as possible, though Golbez couldn't help the feeling that all his politeness was just played...

"I understand and I cannot thank you enough for what you have done for me, mayor," Leah smiled bravely. She suddenly spotted the two men coming down the stairs.

"Ah, the Sir Tristan and the Master Golbez. Thank you for taking Leah with you!"

The Major's effusive friendly welcome made Golbez even more skeptical.

"Taking her with us? I thought that Miss Coven is a guide and as such is supposed to take others with her…" he frowned.

"I just wanted to say that Leah has not much experience in guiding people, yet." The mayor explained maybe a bit too quickly.

"That's right, but I promise you that I will not disappoint." Leah was sounding rather self-confident.

Golbez raised an eyebrow. "We will see about this. Let us go then so that you can prove your skills to us…" He was sure that he would find out soon enough why the mayor was so interested in sending away the girl…

While Leah said goodbye to the mayor, Golbez used the moment to take Tristan aside.

"Leah and also the mayor mentioned that you told them things about me. What exactly have you told them, if I may ask?" he snarled.

Tristan tried to act as unconcerned as possible. "Oh... That... Well, I told them just the usual: that you may act frightening, but that you are a really good guy inside and that they can trust you and so on and so on... The usual waffle, you see…" He smiled broadly.

Golbez raised an eyebrow. "Why is it that I don't believe you?"

"Because I'm unbelievable?" Tristan flashed a charming grin. "Oh, and by the way, the girl is mine!" He turned to go outside.

"Excuse me?" Golbez stared after the other, his expression unusual for the black-haired wizard: One of utter horror…

xOx

During the voyage towards the underground Water-Way-caves of Kaipo, Golbez was for once glad about his travel companion Tristan. Since the Black Wizard was neither skilled nor interested in social skills like small talk, the flaxen haired swindler was the only possibility to get something out of Leah, who Golbez was interested in. However, even Tristan, who usually was so quick with words, could elicit out of his pretty travel companion nothing more than some shallow facts about Kaipo and the dangers in the desert.

Finally, Golbez decided to confront her. "There's one thing that interests me. The mayor said that you don't seem to have much experience as a guide. Even more so he seemed to be quite enthusiastic about your going with us... He isn't hoping by any chance that we might lose our way so that the Blue Planet has one problem--which happens to be me-- less?" he chuckled. For some reason, he was not willing to make an exception in terms of cynicism even in front of this young woman. But then again, for who had he ever made an exception?

"Only for her… I wonder why…"

Leah reacted surprisingly calm on his teasing. "Don't worry. I have no interest in loosing our way in the desert or even dying there with you. I can lead you to Damcyan all right. Nothing a good map couldn't do."

"A map?" Golbez raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to tell me that you have never traveled this route before?"

Leah was walking a bit faster now, as if wanting to escape his gaze. "Well, I told you that I don't much get out of town, right? I know the fastest way through the desert towards the caves, but I have never been any farther than that as far as I can remember…" She bit her lip, as if having said something wrong and fell silent.

"Something is defiantly strange about this woman…" Golbez speed up his pace to keep up with her. "What do you mean as far as you can remember?"

"Hey, can't you just let Leah concentrate on the way instead of dismantling every word of hers?" Tristan rushed after him.

Leah sighed and turned her head sideways to give her two travel companions a weary smile. "No need to keep it a secret, Tristan. He would have noticed it sooner or later anyway. My kind of ignorance is difficult to hide..."

"Ignorance of what?" Golbez heart was beating faster all of a sudden.

Leah's smile disappeared, as she was ringing with words. "Well… "As far as I remember" doesn't have much to say in my case, as… as my memory goes back just some months…"

Golbez inertly froze--this was a turn of events he hadn't been prepared for.

"Damn, become clearer, girl! I'm sick of these indications!" he demanded, not able to keep calm any longer. The woman before him was confusing him just too much with her behaviour.

Tristan stopped and winced. "There's no need to act impolite in front of her, Golbez," The flaxen haired man turned towards Leah, who had stopped abruptly, too, visibly roused all of a sudden. "Leah, you know what I told you yesterday, so please don't react. Let's just--"

"No!" Golbez and Leah uttered at the same time and also started to talk at the same time.

"Let me explain something--"

"I want to know why--"

"That's enough!" Leah held her hands up and raised her voice, which she tried to keep as calm as possible, though. "Let me speak first before you get any wrong ideas… Fact is that I'm no guide and that I'm not really from Kaipo."

"So much I had figured out already…" Golbez mumbled under his breath, trying to keep his emotions at bay, too.

"The thing with me is…" Leah took a deep breath before she began to speak in a tired sounding voice, as if she had uttered the words too many times before. "I don't really know where I am from… About four months ago I woke up in the mayor's house in Kaipo and was told that they had found me unconscious and half frozen at the village entrance the night before. However, I have no idea how I got there, nor what I did before. The doctor presumes that it's some kind of amnesia, although he cannot explain the reason for it. He even presumed that I could be under a spell, but there's no one mighty enough to cast a spell which lets a person forget everything, is there?" She looked at Golbez curiously, but the wizard didn't answer, not daring to speak about the impossible possibility that had come into his mind… To his surprise, Leah did.

"The one thing I could remember, though, was a name. And that is my name, Leah. I made only the Coven thing up. So, I can assure you that I am not the woman called Dawn, who you are searching for …"

Golebez's jaw dropped down in surprise. "How do you know that--?"

"Tristan told me everything about you and her." She smiled friendly.

"He-who-had-told-her-everything-Tristan" had taken a step back even before Golbez's angry gaze could hit him… He relaxed, as the black wizard quickly focused his attention on Leah, again.

"But you look so much like her…"

Leah regarded him earnestly. "Are you really sure about that? Do I not only look like her, but smile like her, act like her? Is our voice the same? Maybe the wish to see her again is manipulating your perception… And they also say that memory can betray you… Or leave you completely in some cases…" She gave a bitter laugh.

In this moment, Golbez had to admit, she didn't in fact look much like Dawn, but just like someone with only the same hair and eye colour as the woman who had once traveled with him.

"Please don't look at me so… disappointed…" Leah sighed. "When I saw how you reacted with me this morning I was short of refusing Tristan's offer to travel with you… It is quite scary if someone you do not know maintains that he knows you and also questions your name, which is the only thing you know for sure about yourself. And even if I really look like this Dawn, I couldn't be her, since she died… And I feel pretty much alive and not like a ghost from the past… "

Golbez's expression darkened; of course she was right and he felt even more rage rising within him, rage because he was behaving like an idiot and making presumptions against all logic, but also a strange rage because Leah couldn't be her…

"So why do you want to travel this us? You are no real guide; you pretend that you don't know any of us…" Golbez was unable to keep anger out of his voice.

Leah's was getting impatient now. "Is this so difficult to understand? I need to find somebody who I know or who really knows me, to find a town I know I have visited, anything which can help me to find out where came from… And you two were the only travelers Kaipo has seen for a long time and as such my soonest chance to get out to see some other places... I can't do it alone, since I wouldn't even be able to fight my way through the Water-Ways! So I asked the mayor to suggest me when Tristan asked for a guide…" Her expression softened and she gave Golbez a nearly apologizing smile before she continued quickly. "But I assure you that I won't be a burden to you. Just because I have no personal memories doesn't mean that I have forgotten everything. For some reason I still possess a general knowledge about the Blue Planet like everyone has and this includes the names and the rough location of places. I just can't tell you if I have visited these places or not… And the little I knew about you and your brother is because you are… quite famous..." 

"Then you surely know from what my fame derives and believe me, even the most horrible accounts are true!" Golbez was still feeling roused and he nearly wished that this girl would return to Kaipo. "You honestly want to tell me that you want to do some "get-to know yourself trip" with me of all people?"

"Well, if you're really so dangerous, then the mayor of Kaipo will be happy to have less problems by sending me with you! Even though he acted friendly all the time, I know that he wanted to get rid of me, just like you do now. But I have gotten used to the fact that I belong nowhere and that no one really feels responsible for me." She hissed coldly and then stomped away through the sand. "Do we have to stand here all day? It's hot!"

Tristan ran after her, trying to act as sympathetic as he could. "This must all be very hard for you, Leah…"

"Yes, indeed… Especially making up such a story…" Golbez murmured and followed the two, catching Leah by her arm and whirling her around roughly. "You act much too cool and secure for a woman who doesn't know who she is… What kind of game are you playing with us?"

Leah was now visibly angry and her nostrils flared with suppressed rage before the words came rushing out of her mouth like a waterfall: "Too cool? So how should I react? Should I be running around the streets, crying: "I don't know who I am, someone help me?" Should I brood all day? If I whine or not it won't change anything, it will not bring my memories back! People always call me a poor dear and treat me like I have no life…" She shook her head. "But this is not true! As long as you are not dead, life goes on, mercilessly… And although I cannot remember my past, I still have my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own wishes, whether they are old or new. And one wish is that I at least want to know where I come from! So, I have no choice but to pull this trip here through!"

She wrung herself out of Golbez's grip with a surprising strength. "And on another note, I presume that you can probably burn me to a crisp with a single spell, but never touch me like that again," she stated, suddenly very calm again and quickly walked away.

"Hey, hey! I didn't know Leah had such a temperament! Golbez , I have to admit that you posses a certain skill of bringing out the true core of people!" In Tristan's eyes the whole situation was nothing less than interesting and very amusing. He was short of about giving Golbez a slap on the shoulder, then decided otherwise as he beheld the black haired man's expression and instead preferred to follow their guide.

Golbez was unmoving, staring after the two, bitterness pouring out of his features. "Life goes on…" Leah had said. He needed to accept this, too, and accept that Dawn would not be coming back. Leah might resemble her, and it was tempting to bring her loss of memory into connection with Dawn, but all these were coincidences, coincidences that were more harmful than pleasing as they made him lose more and more control over his thoughts--and actions… He looked down at the hand with which he had brutally grabbed Leah's arm; he recalled her warning not to touch her like that again and shame filled him.

"But what can you expect from someone such as me… I'm still a danger to everyone and unpredictable even tomyself. " It was true that he wanted to provoke people, frighten them so that they would stay away from him, but really hurting someone needlessly was something he hadn't done for a long time now… Could it be that--

"Is it coming back? Is the burning hunger coming back?" Golbez shuddered upon the thought and even more upon the prospect of having to travel in such a state with a notorious lying Tristan and a difficult young woman with no memory, but a lot of views.

But then again if he wanted to reach Mysidia or return to the moon he was in the same position as Leah: he had to pull this journey through and thus he followed the others with a certain distance…