Chapter 15

Sandy cliffs

As soon as Golbez had opened his eyes, his mind confronted him with the one question he asked himself every morning:

"Why are you still here?"  

However, whereas normally this thought had solely to do with his wish to return to the moon, it had a very literal sense to it on this day. Why was he still alive? The answer filled him with confusion.

"Leah…" He touched his lips, as if he was searching for traces of the kisses they had shared, and his eyebrow slowly arched as he beheld the emotions the memory of last night invokedin him - excitement, but also confusion.

"Why did you let it happen?" Of course, he knew the answer to this, as well - when he thought of Leah, he felt warm, his soul became lighter, and when she was near, when they had been touching, there had been no discomfort, no regret; there wasonly the strong certainty that this was how it was supposed to be. 

"Everyone can see that you're in love with her…" Edward had said and he started to believe that the other was right. Still, he had no idea what this meant, if it would change something and what this something could be.

With a little discontented groan, Golbez closed his eyes again, as if trying to make fade the problems arising with this realization: For the dark wizard, uncertainty was a danger to his very soul - only as long as he knew exactly what was happening, only as long as everything went like planned, he could control his actions - and the ones of others if necessary. Thus, uncertainty meant loss of control, meant weakness. And hadn't he been weak the day before? He had no longer cared whether to live or die, although he had a mission to accomplish. Hadn't he lost control as he had hurt Leah? And as he had kissed her? Then again, it seemed that his strength and control were already diminishing since he had started to travel with Tristan… There was only one word for the situation he was in: A mess.

"And especially if one person is constantly bringing you into this mess, only to get you out of it, before she plunges you in, again..." He couldn't help but smile, as the pictures of last night lightened his soul with colours once more and were filling him with a strange anticipation.

He pushed the blanket aside and left the cave rather hurriedly, not even bothering to put on his cloak, though it was frosty outside, despite the morning sun. Edward gave him a hostile look from the place at the boiling kettle, while Tristan was making the strangest of physical exercises to get warm.

"Oh, our Master Wizard has finally woken up, as well. Already practicing for your time of sleeping on the moon, are we?" the swindler brought forth, puffing between two contortions of his limbs.

Golbez just started at him blankly. "Where's Leah?" he asked.

"She went for a walk…" Edward told him. "I guess she wanted to be alone for a while." Hidden hostility vibrated in his voice.

"Listen, I'm sorry for what has happened yesterday. I was confused and I made a great mistake." Golbez turned around, facing Edward with a regretful expression. "I will not loose control like that again, especially not in front of Leah. You do not have to fear for her."

Both Edward and Tristan, who had stopped in the middle of his exercises and was now balancing on one leg like a lame bird, were so completely taken by surprise by Golbez's apology that they did not know what to say in return.

Giving his two companions a little smile that changed their confusion to utter bewilderment, Golbez followed the footsteps Leah's slim boots had left in the soft snow.

After a while, he reached the coastline and with it the main road to Mysidia. The day before they had taken another route, a little back road Tristan knew of, which was faster and had hidden them from the curious looks of other travelers. Secretly, Golbez had been glad about Tristan's knowledge - the merchant road to Mysidia held bitter memories for him and everyone else he had traveled with in the past, especially his brother. It was the place where Dawn had died, where she had plunged down into the sea… Where--

The thought and his blood froze, as he spotted someone standing near the edge of the cliff. Despite the heavy gusts coming from the ocean, which were tearing at its clothes and hair, the slender figure was standing completely still, like a statue.

As Golbez came nearer, the roar of the crushing waves got louder, mingling with the high-pitched sound of some sea gulls and turning the nearly acidic smell of salt into a sense-deafening crescendo he was oblivious off - the roaring inside his soul was so loud that it drowned out everything else the outer world was hurling at him:

It all seemed to come back in that moment, the tears Dawn had shed, not for him, but for his brother; his own inability to show emotions, keeping a cool façade while the others were mourning; shouting at Cecil instead of giving words of comfort - all this just because he had felt so helpless at the sight of her death… He, who had never felt helpless when it came to the end of a living being, as he so often had been the one who had given death to others.

A dark wave of guilt was ready to swallow him and he stood there waiting, unmoving like he had done on the day Dawn had died. This time, however, the sound of a bright voice swept him away, before the darkness could engulf him:

"Good morning!" Leah had noticed him by now and gave him a broad smile, beckoning to come closer to the edge of the cliff. He hesitated, only slowly adapting to the present time, again.

"Still afraid?" She stretched out her hand, patiently waiting for him to take it, like giving a shy animal food.

Taking a deep breath, like the following was posing an effort to him, Golbez took her hand. Her fingers were surprisingly warm... and calming.

"What are you doing here?" He said, regarding the churned up sea below them.

Leah grew earnest. "Wondering…" she said very quietly, squeezing his hand - Golbez knew that she wanted to encourage him to ask her a question, but before that, he had to let out the one thing on his mind:

"Leah, it was here that… that Dawn died…"

"Yes? Is that so?" It sounded far away.

He turned towards her, letting go of her hand. "Aren't you listening?"

"I am listening Golbez…" Leah dropped her gaze. "But I have things on my mind, too. You know about yesterday…"

"I know that you lied and didn't want to kill me--"

"It was so hard to get through to you, and I had to show you once and for all that you are not the murdering monster you believe yourself to be. Although I have to admit that maybe for a moment I lost control… I was so angry about your behaviour earlier on. If the knife had cut deeper--"

Golbez shrugged and motioned towards Leah's wrist. "We would have been, even then. I lost control in the woods and the situation went out of hand, as you weren't giving me any of the answers I wished," he explained, noticing to his discontent, that his words sounded like an accusation, once more.

"I know…" She took his hand, again, drawing him a bit closer to her. "And that's why there's something I have to tell you. The man, the man I met in the woods -- Golbez, he said that he is a Lunarian like you."

"What?" During the past hours, Golbez had nearly forgotten about the distrust he had held against Leah, but her words reminded him quite roughly about the threat a man named Ko Min posed and crushed any light feeling he had felt since last night. "And this Lunarian said that he knew you?" He tried to sound calm.

"Yes, but before he could tell me more, you appeared…" Leah said, slightly regretful. "Golbez, I'm so confused... I don't know what to think anymore."

"Leah, now listen good," Golbez took hold of both her shoulders and turned her towards him. "This man, Ko Min, is after me. According to my uncle he has set foot on the blue planet through the teleportation gate in order to kill me and he probably will not try to accomplish it alone. Have you really never met him, before?"

He could feel how Leah began to shiver - in fact he was beginning to shiver inside, too.

"What are you hinting at? I met him only once before - in Mysidia, when I was trying to find the library. He made a lot of strange indications and said that he could better help me more than any town records could… Since I didn't know that time that he was a Lunarian, too, I suspected that your presence would only make him nervous and it was clear words I wanted to hear from him. So I wanted to meet him alone…" This time, she let go of his hold. "Don't look at me, frowning like that! This is the truth! You said before that you knew that I didn't want to harm you…"

"I know you didn't want tokill me last night. But," Golbez hated to speak out the words and her shocked gaze was already suspecting what he was going to say, anyway, "there seems to be some connection between Ko Min and you, unless he lied and in truth doesn't know you. But after all, you remembered the caves on the island, right? I have no other explanation for it, other than that he tried to use you before, showed you the teleportation device for some reason and then something went wrong and he lost the power over you… And now he wants it back."

"Excuse me?" Leah got into a fury. "Just because I seem to remember some damn hole in rock, which could be on any other island as well, you conclude that I have been some kind of slave to this man? And from where did he "get me" in the beginning? Bought me in a market?"

"Maybe he found you somewhere half dead near the coast and…" No, he shouldn't even think about such a possibility, but right now every information he had collected about Ko Min, Leah and Dawn in the past, were swirling around in his head, forming the strangest ofconclusions.

 "I don't know if there's a connection between you two…" Golbez admitted quietly.

This reluctance was not calming down Leah. "Nor do I. But I know one thing, Golbez. I want this to stop! It's too tempting to see in a person with no memories who you want to see, as this person has no way to tell you otherwise. First it's Dawn, then it's the accomplice of some Lunarian. What will it be tomorrow? The Queen of Baron? I won't let other people tell me anymore who I remind them off or not - not even you, although you are the reason that I have found out that it doesn't matter--"

"Leah, you must be joking." Golbez interrupted her curtly. "It's important to find out who you are… To find out if--" He stopped too late.

"To find out if I'm Dawn? Was this the reason for what happened last night? Because you still see her in me?"

Golbez knew that the conversation was short of going out of control. "No, although you do sort of look like her, but--"

"Answer my question!" The knife from last night had appeared again in her voice. "Why did you get involved with me?"

"Because… well, it didn't matter anymore… and because I wanted to and--" He saw how Leah backed away, coming dangerously close to the edge of the cliff.

"You know, Golbez, I really hope that you're just having trouble finding words again…" she fumed.

She didn't watch her step and--

"Dawn! No!" It escaped his lips involuntarily, as he caught her in his arms, pulling her away from the abyss. For a moment she didn't move and just leaned against his shoulder, before she slowly raised her head.

"Golbez, I am not Dawn."

"How do you know? Can't you understand that I'd like to know who you are?"

A look of absolute bitterness on her face, Leah backed away from him. "No. It is not important. Important is what you think about me in your heart, in your soul. And there it's not the name that is important, but the way I am - right now. And that's a person who… who cares for you even now when you… When you disown my true identity, my true self!" 

"Leah, please wait and let me explain--"

She shook her head. "No, I'm sick of your explanation. I need to get away from all of you… From Tristan, who's constantly trying to seduce me, but in reality doesn’t give a damn; from Edward, who's starting to see a replacement for Anna in me that I can never be; and away from… from you." She swallowed, fighting back tears and it seemed to Golbez that he had never seen her, never seen anyone so frail, sad and angry at the same time before: For the fracture of a second he thought that he had finally understood what the expression "heartbreaking" meant. "You know, I really wished that the first really important memories of my "new" life weren't sad ones. But they already are… Maybe I should have been more patient, also with you, but I really don't know what to wait for…" She turned and went - and Golbez let her go.

There had been so much truth in her words, so much hard truth - even now he couldn't bring himself to answer why he felt so drawn to her... Love… That was just a string of letters for something words couldn't explain.

"They say it's the heart that speaks…" He, however, had never learned to listen to his heart - logic and reason had been the things he had relied on and he was not sure if Leah's judgment on him wasn't anymore reliable than his own was. Did he really not care about her but only for a memory? The thought filled him with sickness and as he watched Leah go, her arms crossed before her to protect her lithe form from the hard icy wind of the coast, some tiny voice in him told him to run after her, embrace her, warm her; but he knew that he could not listen to it. How could someone like him warm anyone? He was cold - and the only place for him was on the cold and barren moon.

The time with Leah had only been a short, colourful dream before the endless years of colourlessness were awaiting him.

xOx

"Where's Leah?" Edward asked as Golbez returned to the camp, packing his few things together wordlessly.

"She has returned to Mysidia. Maybe you want to follow her."

"Mysidia?" Edward gasped, roused. "This is your doing, isn't it? Also last night," he spat the words out with disgust. "I thought I told you to get away--"

Golbez whirled around sharply. "Yes, I know what you told me and you had all right to do so. It is my fault that she has left - I was seeing Dawn in her the whole time… and then I even suspected her of wanting to murder me."

"To kill you?" Edward exclaimed in disbelief.

Tristan was less moved. "Well, now as I remember the scene on the beach looked scary…"

"There's a Lunarian named Ko Min after me and I thought that Leah was working for him." Golbez explained for what seemed liked the hundredth time to him. "And it seems that indeed he tried to get her on his side. So, whatever you two do, be careful since he is around here somewhere. I'm leaving for Mt. Ordeals immediately - alone, like I said." He took out the purse Cecil had given him. "Tristan, here's your money--"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Tristan grinned mischievously. "How about a little extra bonus if I accompany you to the Mountain? If this Lunarian guy is after you, you might want someone to watch your back…"

"And that would be you? No thanks." Golbez belted up his sword.

"Do you even know the way? The woods are thick and there's no road."

"I presume you know the way, of course?" It was true that Golbez had only a vague impression of how to reach the mountain.

Tristan clicked his tongue. "Good ol' Tristan knows much - for a price…"

Golbez uttered his usual "defeated by Tristan" sigh. "Two hundred more?" he offered.

"Three hundred and the ring."

"I understand." "Forgive me Cecil, but where I go, I will not need it, anyway."

Edward had watched the negotiations with growing incomprehension. "You two make me feel sick. Leah was well off leaving the group. Since it is your wish, anyway, Golbez, I'll follow her example. Here's your payment, Tristan." He flung a little bag towards the flaxen haired man, the cold ringing of the coins well fitting to the atmosphere of the moment.

"You demanded money from him, too?" Golbez raised an eyebrow.

Tristan smiled innocently. "Hey - I do everything for money… Nearly."

xOx

Alone, again. Though hadn't he been alone since Anna had left him? No, this was not exactly true and Edward felt a slight twinge of regret that the traveling time with his companions had found such a sudden end. The whole trip had changed him, was still changing him - it had brought back part of what had wandered into the grave with his fiancée, setting free powers in him the King of Damcyan thought he could never possess.

Edward looked at his hand, at the slender back of it, at the long, thin fingers; he turned it around to see examine the palm, which was like his fingertips, smooth and unmarred by any signs real hard work would have left. The hand looked weak, everything it ever had done was playing the lute or holding a quill - even in battle, it had not been able to wield a sword. And yet, the day before, as he had hit Golbez, his hand had been strong - strong because he had been strong, because just for once there had been no fear inside him. But now, as he was sitting alone on a log near the extinguished fireplace, the fear was there, again, making him tremble more than the cold winter air did, making him feel restless although he no longer had to bear Golbez's presence and slowly, Edward realized what it was that was making him afraid:

Forgetting his fear, fear that he wouldforget…

Fear that he would forgether.

Since he had left Damcyan, there had been moments when he had had cared for the living and not for the dead; when he had not mourned the past, but had tried just to live through the moment, when his thoughts had been also with his companions and not solely with his lost love. No matter how seldom and how short those moments had been, he had always felt ashamed after he had experienced them and had asked himself if he was too egoistic, if it was a betrayal of the love they had had if he kept forgetting Anna's memory even for a second.

Edward had been sure that he would mourn her a lifetime, that way sacrificing his life without dying, because she had sacrificed for him her life. But slowly, he was no longer sure if he had the strength to do this - lately it seemed as if he had to fight against life itself, which wanted to drag him back with all its might into the world of wishes, strong emotions, new songs to sing and new purposes to find. But at what price did this new world offer itself to him? The cost was to let go of everything old, his Kingdom, maybe his old friends and ultimately even the memory of Anna. To forget all these things would bring a guilt with it which seemed even heavier to the King of Damcyan than the sadness he was bearing.

"Anna, tell me what to do…"

"Why is everyone around me talking either about or with the dead?" A desperate sigh startled Edward.

"Leah… You are still here?" he asked, surprised. "I thought you had gone to Mysidia…"

"I could ask the same of you…" The silver-haired woman settled down next to him on the log and Edward could see that her eyes were slightly red - she probably had cried.

"All this for him? He's just not worth it…"

"I turned around half-way on the road to the town, because I figured out that I don't really know where to go…" Leah bent forward and started to draw figures in the sandy earth of the extinguished fireplace before her with the tip of her finger.

"Well, anywhere is good to find out more about yourself, right?" Edward tried to help.

"But that's the point. I think I know enough about myself… I don't need to know anymore. Does this sound crazy to you?" she tried to smile.

"I… I don't know. It sounds strange. There could be people waiting for you."

"And chances are that I would probably not even recognize them… Or even if I did - who knows if the feelings I once had for them would return, or if I would feel differently now because I have changed?"

"Your memories may have changed, but haven't you said yourself that your feelings probably haven't? And if they did - would it really matter? Isn't the most important thing for you not to be alone anymore?" Edward asked quietly, following with his eyes the lines Leah's finger left in the sand.

"But I am not alone; I mean I was not alone… I felt alone before I joined you, but then he…" She stopped, a mixture of anger and sadness overcoming her.

"I see… But it was a foolish thing to fall for him and I cannot understand what it is that drove you to him." Edward's eyes widened in shock as he noticed how cruel and cold he sounded, how filled with bitterness, so unlike his normal self. "I'm starting to sound like that Dark wizard does…"

"Is it true that you really can't understand? You have cared about someone, too, right?" Leah had posed the question calmly, before he even could apologize for his words before. Edward's pale features reddened considerably since she was right.

"And I still am in love… There - what you just drew--" He pointed to the circles in the fine sand. "It looks like a flower…like a yellow rose. That was Anna's favourite flower."

"Edward… Not again." Her shoulders drooped down.

"No, don't worry. I won't compare you with Anna any longer - there is no replacement for her. I have to admit that I sometimes thought that I had found her in you, that if I pretended that she had never died, there also wouldn't exist a memory of her I could forget. It was a mistake." He didn't dare to look her in her eyes.

"I… I guess I can be glad that you no longer see her in me… You would have been disappointed by my person sooner or later I guess," she reflected. "You know, I can be quite… unpredictable. And that's a nice word to describe it."

She chuckled and it occurred to Edward how she, with nothing to hold on to except the present moment (which probably wasn't even a happy one for her), could smile or laugh, whereas he, with thousands of sad but also beautiful memories, could not. Maybe forgetting meant not giving up everything, after all…

"You know, Leah, many things you said during the last days helped me a lot. Sometimes you nearly sound wise… Like a Lunarian, maybe…"

She gave him a reproachful look. "Don't say such things! It's enough that this Ko Min told me that I remind him of someone…"

Edward pricked up his ears. "Ko Min? That's the guy who is after Golbez, right? He told us about him before he and Tristan left for Mt. Ordeals."

"Strange that Tristan would accompany him further… They were constantly quarrelling," Leah wondered pensively.

"Well, Tristan said that for money he'd do nearly everything…" Edward shrugged his shoulders.

"Cleaning isn't one of those things, it seems. What's that stuff in the kettle? I've been smelling it since I got here."

"Oh, that's Tristan's breakfast, though I have no idea what he put in it…"Edward reached forward to take the kettle from the fireplace and to take a skeptical look at the leftovers in it. 

"It doesn't smell like anything edible to me…Have you seen him eating it?" Leah had gotten pale for some reason. 

"No…"

For a moment there was anxious silence between the two.

"Edward…" Leah said after a while. "I think I'm going to Mt. Ordeals, too - I have a bad feeling about this. Ko Min is still out there and--"

In that moment, the truth hit Edward, as well and he jumped to his feet. "Whatever you were thinking right now, you are right. We have to hurry, I'll explain it on the way to the mountain."

Leah was watching him with big eyes. "Alright. My map will help us find the way, but before we go, tell me one thing: Why are you coming with me?"

Edward felt himself smile without having to force himself to do so. "You once told me that I was afraid to walk down the road. Well, I decided that I want to see the end of it."

xOx

The way through the thick woods was confusing and Golbez actually wondered if he would have been able to find the right way without Tristan's guidance. He also was cursing the imperturbable talkativeness of his companion as usual:

"About Leah - do you love her?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Golbez murmured, trying not to think too much about Tristan's question.

"You can tell me! I would be--Hey, why are you stopping?" Tristan turned towards his companion, who was looking into the air with narrowed eyes.

"Don't you hear it?" Golbez hissed.

"I hear nothing. Wait, when you hear nothing in the woods, it's a clue that something is wrong, right?" Tristan mused aloud. "Oh, but I can hear the sounds of a bird, so everything is alright and--" his jaw fell down as the flapping of wings got louder, accompanied by a sudden wind. Then, suddenly, silence dominated the dark trees around them, again.

"Eh?" the swindler commented as with a loud shrieking cry, something huge dove through the tree tops, sharp claws aimed at Golbez.

"A Roc!" Golbez threw himself to the floor, at the same time preparing a spell. "Bolt!"

With a loud cry of pain the creature tottered down, whirling up a cloud of white as it hit the ground. Golbez got to his knees - it felt like he had gotten into a little snowstorm, the gust blowing his hair into his eyes. He waited for the wind to stop, but it didn't.

He turned his head, his sight limited to the black strands before his eyes and the white of the snow shining through them. Then, the white changed to brown, the dirty brown of the second Roc which had directly landed behind him, its giant beak with sharp teeth already lowering onto his prey, filling the air with the smell of blood and decay before--

The bird fell to the side. Surprise filled Golbez's expression for just a moment - then he saw the knife sticking between the eyes of the creature.

"One of my girlfriends once worked as a knife thrower in the circus. Now if I could just remember her name…"

Golbez pushed the hair out of his eyes and stared at Tristan. "You… You saved my life."

The swindler shrugged. "Well, I told you that you could use my help. Besides, we're one of a kind!"

"Stop the cheesy talk," Golbez got to his feet and brushed the snow from his clothes. "How much money will this rescue cost me?"

"Nothing, if…" Tristan made a little dramatic pause. "If you tell me about you and Leah."

"You're disgusting."

"You, too. That's why she left, right? You said yourself often enough that you are a danger to everyone."

Although he knew that he should be outraged by this statement, Golbez had to grin. "Using my own words against me, are we? You're all not making it easy for me, you know…"

Tristan returned the grin. "You're not making easy for anyone else, as well. It's a deal, then, but you better tell me about her, later. We should hurry and reach the mountain base. Who knows what else lurks in these woods and I might not save you again next time. Unless you had more love affairs you could tell me about as a payment." Not sure if Golbez's reaction would be as mild as the one before, he sprinted forwards to put some distance between him and the Black Wizard.

xxx

They were able to reach the base of Mt. Ordeals without getting attacked once more, since the appearance of the Rocs seemed to have scared away animals and monsters alike.

"So that's where I will meet Klu Ya…" Golbez looked up at the grey stone, massive before him, which towered nearly threateningly amidst the snow. But hadn't Cecil told him about the beauty of the mountain? He wondered if his dark soul felt repelled by the holy power that was somewhere slumbering amidst the mountain…

"Time to pay your debt," Tristan settled down on a rock. He took a flask out of his pocket and handed it to Golbez. "Care for a little drink now, Gobs, to wet your tongue before you start to tell me about Leah?"

"Gobs?" Golbez frowned, but took the flask nonetheless. The mountain made him feel nervous for some reason and having to talk about Leah did not help to regain his composure. Maybe a little drink would help -

"Another human habit of thinking…" Not caring to sniff, he took a sip - the liquid tasted pleasantly spicy and warmed him up immediately.

"So, why did you break up with the pretty bird--"

"Are you talking about the Roc?" Golbez asked pertly.

"Uh, oh -- sensible, aren't we? Okay, so why did you two have a quarrel after having had such a romantic night?" Tristan regarded him curiously.

"Romantic?" The exact meaning of the word was not completely clear to Golbez, but he believed that for most people it probably hadn't anything to do with a knife pressed against one's throat. It seemed that Tristan had witnessed only part of the night before, which was a certain relief to him.

"She went away because I am an idiot…" he said darkly, his mouth feeling dry all of a sudden. He took another sip out of the flask.

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Tristan tried to sound sympathetic, although it was clear that Golbez's admittance was filling him with satisfaction. "I mean, Leah might seem pretty friendly and intelligent, but she's sly as well, if you know what I mean…"

Golbez frowned - was the little thief referring to the scene on the beach or to Leah's temper? "She's unusual, unafraid and unpredictable… That's why--"

"You like her?" Tristan helped out.

"Hmm…" Golbez murmured something incomprehensible -- he didn't want to talk about the subject, especially not with Tristan and he also felt too tired to think out an intelligent answer.

"Must have been the night…Me, of all persons, kissing…"

He took another sip out of the flask. "You know, this tastes really well for a human brew," he said, just to change the subject, "I wonder why Edward was coughing…"

"That is because he wasn't drinking the same thing you are drinking right now."

"No? What was it he drank?" Golbez asked slowly since his tongue felt heavy - it seemed that he really wasn't holding his liquor well.

His companion laughed. "Chocobo piss!"

Golbez chuckled, although the laugh left him slightly dizzy. "Just what I expected. And what is it I'm drinking?"

Tristan smiled cheerfully. "Poison."